Clarion Call

I am of the belief that everyone has a purpose in life. 

Everyone has that special something that sets them a part.

That qualifies them to rise up to that purpose and meet it head on. 

The problem is, though, life gets in the way. 

Life is messy and chaotic. 

At times, it's downright depressing and incredibly hard to get through day by day. 

Let alone trying to find that exact something you are called to be. 

And then sometimes you think you find it, only to discover that wasn't it at all. 

I thought I wanted to be doctor. 

An emergency physician actually.

It felt so right I could feel it in my bones. 

Then, in college, I spent two weeks in physics and walked out crying. 

I realized then and there I would never make it. 

I actually still cry about it sometimes, nearly 8 years later. 

How odd. 

I sat in my adviser's office bawling because I knew I had to change majors. I knew I had to change my career choice. And I was devastated. 

Luckily, she was incredibly patient and kind.

She sat with me in what was one of my darkest times in college. 

We went back to the drawing board. 

And she asked me one single questions that would forever alter how I thought about my purpose in life. 

What are you passionate about?

I had never really thought about it before and I didn't know how to answer her. 

Long story short, I discovered that my passion was helping people.

I was able to slowly narrow it to something more specific within that.

Something that fascinated me.

The behavior of people.

Even more specific. The behavior of people when they are in love. 

How it consumes them.

How it dictates every other aspect of their life. 

I found a career within that, and it fit me perfectly. 

And I've never been happier. 

So my question to you is...

What are you passionate about?

Once you answer that question, figure out what fascinates you within that.

And once you find that, I guarantee you'll find your purpose and calling in life.

It's a special thing once you find it, so don't waste time! 

Act, without hesitation! 

Work as hard as you can to answer that call. 

I promise it will be the best decision you ever make. 

Still struggling to answer those questions?

Call me and let's figure it out together! 

 

Mortal Kombat

This meme couldn't be more real. 

Well, maybe it's a little exaggerated. I hope you don't actually want to kill your partner. 

That's a whole separate blog post in the making. 

Seriously though, couples fight.

It's normal! 

What I hear most when working with couples is that they have the same fight over and over. 

What my training in Emotion Focused Therapy tells me is that you get caught in a negative cycle. 

That negative cycle goes a little something like this... 

Don't get scared... Bare with me for a minute. 

I know that picture looks confusing and overwhelming... but stay with me. 

I want to teach you something.

 Remember when you asked your significant other to do the dishes... and they didn't... for the millionth time?

What were some of the thoughts you had?

I'm guessing it was something along the lines of... "They just don't care". 

Now, clearly, that's after you've already gotten angry and thought, "Seriously? That a**hole didn't do the dishes again."

(Let's be honest... that's exactly what you thought)

But.

Once we process through the anger, I find that most people just feel downright hurt. 

Most people start to think that they aren't important to their partner, or they don't matter.

Or worse, that their partner simply doesn't care about them. 

People respond to these types of thoughts and emotions by either getting angry with their partner or shutting down and not talking to their partner. 

Let me take you through the cycle to help you understand how you and you partner get stuck. 

Sasha comes home to find that her partner hasn't done the dishes. 

She immediately gets angry (secondary emotion) and pursues Amil in an angry tone (behavior). 

All the while she is thinking his lack of doing the dishes means he simply didn't care enough about her and what she wants and needs (perception).

It scares her because she feels she is in this alone and will always have to take care of things (secondary emotion). 

She needs to feel the things that are important to her matter to Amil and that he cares (Unmet need). 

Now... here's where the cycle really gets going. 

Amil immediately hears her angry tone and starts to get defensive. 

All the while Amil is thinking something a long the lines of, "Here we go again... I just can't win." (perception).

He begins to think that no matter what he does for Sasha, it won't ever be enough (perception). 

This makes him very scared and hopeless (primary emotion).

Amil needs to know that he won't always fail Sasha and that what he does is enough (unmet need).

He begins to get angry (secondary emotion) and tries to defend himself in a loud tone of voice (behavior).

Still with me? 

It cycles over and over because Sasha and Amil don't talk about their primary emotions or perceptions. 

They simply get angry with one another and either yell or shut down and walk away. 

(Totally normal by the way.)

This only feeds into their perceptions and primary emotions and validates them which leads to more anger. 

And round and round they go! 

Can you relate to Sasha and Amil? 

What is the cycle you and your partner get stuck in?

I know it's awful and it leaves you feeling frustrated and hopeless. 

But it doesn't have to be that way! 

I'm here to help you work through it! 

I'll help you turn to each other in the anger and begin to share all the other hard emotions and perceptions. 

You deserve to have an amazing relationship with all your needs met. 

It is possible! 

Click on the "Contact Me" page and call or email me! 

 

 

 

Rise

This is for all the women out there.

I was going to start this with an explanation of what it's like to be a woman. 

But you know what?

Nearly every woman ever knows exactly what that's like.

And let's be honest, this isn't for the men. So I'll just cut to the chase. 

 You are strong. You are beautiful. You are independent. 

You are a force to be reckoned with. 

Don't let anyone or anything tell you otherwise. 

Society doesn't get to choose who we are and what we do. We are more than a stereotype, more than a gender role. 

You are not something to be conquered or won. You are not something to be marginalized or objectified. 

You are not a princess. 

You are a Queen. 

You have worth and value beyond measure. You deserve reverence. 

You come from the daughters of Zelophehad. So claim your rights. 

Channel your inner Malala. Your inner Michelle and Meryl. 

Think about what you want in life. 

Do you want a career? Do you want to be a wife? Do you want to be a stay at home mom? Do you want to remain single? Do you want to travel the world?  

Find the purpose of your life and go after it! 

You have the strength of all the women who came before you. 

Tap into that and grind! 

Dig deep into the woman you are and empower yourself.

You are more resilient than the depression. You are stronger than the anxiety.

You are more than the victim they tried to make you. 

And most of all...

You are not alone. 

 

What's Love Got To Do With It

Tina Turner released What's Love Got To Do With It in 1984...

and the entire world felt validated. 

My parents hadn't even contemplated my existence yet, and I felt validated. 

You can be utterly and completely, head over heels in love with someone, but let them make you mad. 

Let them hurt you. 

And all bets are off. 

I see couples nearly every day of the week, and every single one of them tell me how much they love each other. How much they want to make it work. 

But every single couple I see says the same thing.

Something has to change, or I can't do this anymore. 

Essentially, I love this person with all my heart, but we can't keep doing this. We can't keep fighting like this.

Or we won't make it. 

Love, honestly, doesn't have much to do with sustaining a committed relationship. 

Is it important? Of course! 

However, hard work, patience, persistence, and understanding will repair your relationship. 

If your relationship is hitting rough waters, and you can't see clear skies, it doesn't mean the love is gone. 

It just means that life happened.

Reality hit you and you are NORMAL!

Do yourself and your relationship a favor. Think back to the first few months of your relationship.

The warm and fuzzy feelings.

Meditate on those memories for a minute. 

Think about what helps you feel connected to one another and plan a date night around that. 

Sidenote: If you think back to the first few months and it's rocky waters... hit me up through the contact link. 

But for real, it's okay that you fight. 

I'm going to say something taboo... it's even "okay" if you or your significant other cheated. 

I mean clearly it's not okay... but... it doesn't mean you don't love each other! 

It doesn't mean that it's over. 

I'll say it again. Love truly has very little to do with sustaining a committed relationship! 

And if you find you need professional help, well, you're normal. 

And I'm right here. 

Sidenote #2: 

Did any one else notice how shredded Angela Bassett was in the movie What's Love Got To Do With It? I mean... get it girl.

Cry Baby, Cry

I just finished reading this terrible book.

By terrible I mean completely insightful and wonderful, but made me bawl like a big ole' baby. 

I had seen the movie prior to reading the book, but reading words on a page always seems to invoke more emotion for me.

Y'all, I lost it. I cried and I cried.

The ironic part is I read to cope. If I am stressed or sad or angry, I will pick up a book and dive in. Losing myself in someone else's life, like Claire in Outlander or a different world entirely like Middle Earth, is the most cathartic thing. 

I realized as I was crying, that I started reading because I needed a break from my emotions.

Yet, here I was, all up in my emotions.

I just wanted to numb out, and my go to coping skill wasn't working. 

I started to think about how often my coping skills fail (I'm a counselor so of course I would).

Reading nearly always helps. 

In that moment though, my coping skills weren't working and I may or may not have cried over that too. 

Finding coping skills that actually work isn't easy, and I never really thought about the one's I have not working.

I was trying to think of what else I could do to get out of my feelings when it hit me.  

In that moment, I really didn't need to cope.

In that moment, I needed to cry. I needed to feel stressed and sad and upset. 

Just like I learned from Sadness in Inside Out, feeling your emotions isn't the end of the world. It's healing! 

So just remember, when your coping skills seem to be failing maybe it just means you need to cry it out or scream into a pillow.

Maybe it just means you need to call your best friend and rage and rage and rage.

*Cough* or go see a counselor *Cough*

I've got $10 bucks that says you'll feel better.  

Sidenote: I started the sequel... so far, so good!