If I'm Honest About Depression

Depression is literally the worst. 

I used to think anxiety was. I went through a period of anxiety attacks and I literally thought I was losing my mind. I couldn't breathe and I cried uncontrollably. I felt ridiculous, especially as a therapist who was taught how to handle it all. 

I managed to find my way through the anxiety, mostly with prayer, and felt so relieved when it was all over. 

Then the depression set in. 

Only I didn't realize it was settling in. 

That's the funny thing about depression. It creeps. 

I found my motivation, for doing literally anything, disappearing. 

A sort of numbness started to cover me. Take root inside me.

I would lay around and watch Netflix or Hulu for hours. As in going through all 13 seasons of Grey's Anatomy in mere weeks. 

I would dread going to work, because in my line of work, numbness isn't an option. I have to be alert and aware. I have to feel. I have to respond. 

I honestly didn't understand what was happening. I have nothing in my life to be depressed over. I have the career I've always wanted, a husband I love and who loves me, and a great place to live. Sure, money could be better, but couldn't it always? 

I think that's the thing that scares me most about depression. It happens without reason sometimes. It makes you not care about the things you love and fought so hard to have. It makes you want to just check out of life and stay in bed. 

And because of these things, it makes it ten times harder to fight. How do you get out of the depression when your motivation is gone? 

You can't pull yourself up by the boot straps when you don't even feel like putting the boots on. 

I could sit here and tell you 10 different ways to cope with depression, but you could Google that. 

I'll simply tell you what is helping me, and maybe you will find that it helps you too. 

I have decided to live. 

I know that sounds simple, but it's not. I have to make a conscious choice every single day to actually take part in my life, and not just be a bystander. Sometimes I have to make that choice multiple times a day. 

I worked so hard to have the career that I have, and I refuse to let all that hard work pour itself into Netflix. 

I pray for strength and help, because Lord knows I can't do it on my own. 

I told my husband about it so I would have some accountability and encouragement. This was the scariest part, because what would he think about me? How would his feelings change? The answer: He still loves me fiercely and only wanted to help me. 

I thrive in a structured and organized environment, so I began to plan out my days. I get up, make coffee and breakfast. Then I allow myself to lay in bed and read a book or watch Netflix/Hulu until 9:00am. I then get up and start getting ready for the day. I usually clean the house a little, and then get the heck out of there. I've learned that if I stay at home I am more likely to fall into the trap of depression. 

So, I leave the house. I'll go to the library, or a coffee shop, or even my office. I find it easier to be productive there, which I have learned helps me feel better. If I have work, then I will go to work. 

I won't lie, there are still days I stay in bed. Sometimes I actually need a break from trying so hard. But I only give myself that one day, then I'm back at it. 

I am finding more and more that my happiness is returning. My passion for my work is sparking back to life. That numbness is slowly falling away, and my motivation is coming back.

I can't say right now what will help you. I would have to talk with you and get to know you to help you. Everyone is different, and what helped me might not help you. 

But, I can say that we can figure it out. I am not hopeless and you are not helpless, because I am right here.

Borrow my hope for now and let's figure this thing out together. You deserve happiness, every single day. 

We all do. 

Mixtape Monday: Relax

So, funny story.

I drove to Starbucks to work on this blog post, mostly because if I stay at home I'll just keep binge watching Grey's Anatomy. 

I pulled out my computer, then my notebook, then went to grab my headphones only to come out with nothing. 

It's Mixtape Monday, which requires me to listen to music so I can get the exact songs I want and put them in a decent order.

I am currently about 30 minutes from home, so I started to low-key panic. 

I started to dig deeper into my bag, and voila! I came out with a pair of headphones. 

I then IMMEDIATELY began to laugh out loud. 

Because the only pair of headphones I have with me are from my Rosetta Stone kit. 

I've included a picture because my description of them simply wouldn't do them justice. 

Do you see that sexy mouth piece?!

I thought about aborting... because would you willingly wear those in public?

I am dedicated, so naturally I pulled them out and got to work anyways. 

So, just know that I faced public ridicule for this blog post. 

You're welcome! 

I want to give a huge shout out to the Netflix series Sense8 for having an outstanding soundtrack. I pulled several songs from their playlist. 

I also pulled several songs from an acoustic covers playlist on Spotify. #Shameless

Now, without further ado...

I give you a relaxing mixtape to take you out of what was undoubtedly a terrible Monday.

Because everyone hates Mondays. 

Mixtape Monday

Welcome to my new series...

Mixtape Mondays.

I can't tell you what coping skill is best for you. 

But I can tell you that music is the best coping skill for me. 

I can tell you that music is an incredible coping skill in general. 

I can tell you, that if you haven't added music to your box of coping skills, then you should. 

Music can do one of two things:

1) Music can help you process your emotions

You can listen to Sam Smith or Adele when you are sad, and they can put words to your sadness. They can help you open yourself up to the sadness and actually feel it. Music can help you face your emotions without being destroyed by them. That may seem dramatic, but if you have ever felt like you couldn't breathe because you were so sad or angry then you will understand. 

2) Music can help you feel something else

On the flip side, you can listen to Michael Jackson or Beyonce to escape the sadness or anger. Sometimes it's just too much, and there is no shame in that! Sometimes you have to escape it and get out of your head. Sometimes you have to just choose to be happy, and music can help you do that. 

Kicking off this series is a playlist full of some of my favorite songs that just make me feel good. 

Songs that make me want to take my hair down and dance, or get in my car and drive while singing at the top of my lungs. Songs that make me feel happy and free. And hopefully they do the same for you! 

I want to give a HUGE shout out to my pretty pretty princesses who text me tons of songs from their personal playlists! 

I encourage you to add your own songs to these lists. Leave your favorites in the comment section and I'll add them! 

Winter

I sat here for nearly 30 minutes trying to find an appropriate quote for grief and loss, and nothing worked. 

Some quotes had elements that felt right, but all of them were just, off. 

Nothing fit the emotions I know comes with losing someone you love.

I think I've known this all along, but in that moment I realized words don't suffice. 

Sadness doesn't begin to touch the emotion we feel.

Pain isn't enough to describe what happens when you know you'll never see them again. 

Honestly, the words grief and loss are like feathers touching your face in comparison to reality. 

In mere seconds the light in your life darkens. 

The universe punches a hole through your heart, but you don't die. 

Your reality turns into this huge black hole, threatening to pull you in and never let go. 

And as provocative as those statements are, they pale in comparison to how we really feel.

Those left behind desperately try to stay. To keep breathing, to keep living. 

Even though a black room with a bed feels like home. 

Those close to the people left behind feel useless. 

As human beings, we aren't wired to sit and do nothing. 

We constantly have this need to be helpful, to make things better. 

But little to nothing can make it better. At least not in the beginning. 

The intensity of the pain can be uncomfortable, and we stand there silent because what could we ever say to ease that look of anguish?

Unfortunately, there is no rule book to grief and loss. 

There's no formula we can use to work our way through the stages or to help those who have lost feel better. 

In my experience, meeting people where they are is the best thing you can do. 

Meeting yourself where you are, is the best thing you can do. 

Give yourself the permission to feel.

Even if it's only for moments at a time, because work and kids are waiting. 

Twenty years can go by and it still takes your breath away.

That immediately feels wrong because we are so used to growing and evolving, changing. 

Have patience with yourself.

Grief isn't something that goes away because your love for that person doesn't die when they do. 

Grief shifts and changes over time.

And mercifully, becomes something we can endure. 

Over time, the tears you cry soak into your ground. 

And Winter gives way to Spring. 

20 Questions

Think back to the beginning. 

Think about how it felt on your first date with your current partner. 

The excitement you felt, the butterflies, the nerves. 

Think about that first kiss.

That can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over- the-fence, World Series kind of stuff. (Yes, that was an It Takes Two, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen reference... get on my level.)

One of the first things I think about from the beginning is how much we talked. 

The process of getting to know one another for the first time holds some of my favorite memories. 

The endless question and answer sessions that helped us see into the best and worst of each other. 

It seems to me that doesn't last, though. Eventually, the questions stop. 

But, I'm not the same person I was nearly seven years ago when we first began dating. 

So why would the questions end?

To be honest, they shouldn't have.  

They just needed to change a little bit. 

I know his favorite color, what foods he dislikes, what he is afraid of. 

I know the little quirks I have that make him smile. I even know the ones that annoy him. 

But we've only been together seven years, and there's still so much more to learn. 

I've done you a favor (like the good southern woman I am) and created a list of truly important questions to ask your partner. 

Conversation starters, if you will, that will help you understand one another better.

These will help you go deeper into your relationship and know how much you mean to one another and how you affect one another. (Infinitely more helpful than knowing their favorite color is purple). 

Do me a favor, find a time where you both are alone and there are no distractions. 

Do yourself a favor, and be as open and honest as possible. 

I'll start you off easy. They will get a little deeper, and maybe harder, as you go. 

Round 1

1) What did you think when you saw me and/or met me for the first time?

2) Why did you want to ask me or go with me on a date?

3) What made you want to keep dating me?

4) What is your favorite thing about me?

5) When did you know that you first loved me?

6) What do you love about me?

Round 2

7) What's your favorite thing I do in bed... and do you want more of it? (Keep the novelty of it or nah?)

8) What is one thing I don't do in bed that you wish I did? 

9) What's one thing I do that annoys you?

10) What is a pet peeve you have about me?

Round 3

11) Are you ever afraid to tell me things? Why?

12) Have you ever felt like you hated me? Tell me about it.

13) Have you ever felt like I didn't love you or want to be with you? What was happening that made you feel or think that?

14)When you get mad at me, what do you feel like doing (i.e. talk to me about it, yell at me, shut down and not talk to me at all)? 

15)What happens with you when I yell at you or shut down when we are fighting (i.e. how do you feel, what do you think, how do you act)?

16) Have I ever hurt you? If yes, what did I do and why did it hurt?  

---

Some of the answers might be really difficult to talk about.

I'm not going to lie, it might even start an argument. It's okay if this happens! 

If you find it hard, then call me!

I'll help you talk through this and so much more! Relationships take work and talking to each other is the hardest part. There's no shame in needing help. That's what I'm here for!